bootstrap analysis

all the things i can't tell you

Just enough people know who I am to prevent me from writing about some of the most interesting, dramatic, or bitch-worthy things that have been going on in my life, aside from spending 32 of the last 36 days in the field.

• Stress-inducing family drama involving elder care, serious health issues for the cared for and the caregiver, conflicting wishes, legal issues, and, of course, money.
• Wedding news, both recent and upcoming, of people I care about very much, and all my conflicted feelings about them (good and bad) that are none of my business anyway.
• A follow up on my friend who tried to kill himself. That situation troubles me deeply, since I've had no resolution. Although he's completely recovered, I gather, he is also quite completely out of my life, which I never would have expected. I literally still have nightmares about this whole thing.
• Tales of paranoia, plots, pomposity, pissiness, and power at work. It's the pits.
• Obnoxious behavior by members of the public I have to deal with. If there's a silver lining in my future retirement, it's finally being able to tell people what I think of them as a private citizen and not a semi-public face representing two well-known employers. Ignorance, rudeness, selfishness. Three traits that don't sit well with me.

So although I'll still be busy the next couple weeks wrapping up the worst "normal" spring migration I can remember, I will be posting more often, just not anything juicy or compelling, at least on a personal level.

birdchaser, nuthatch, blow-up doll

The the Partners in Flight (PIF) conference in south Texas has just wound down. It was an interesting three days catching up on bird conservation research, good birds, and old friends. "New" friends, too. Here I am apparently throttling a blow-up doll while Birdchaser Rob Fergus naughtily puts a finger on the original conference artwork, clearly marked DO NOT TOUCH. Rob had already been photographed with many other women: he ran into a group of retired ladies doing the Great Backyard Bird Count at a local nature center who were thrilled to meet Audubon's face of the GBBC. They invited him back to their trailer park RV park mobile home community for lunch and photo ops.

Rob and I have communicated for a long time, but this is the first time we met. We went out to dinner later, along with Rob's advisor from the University of Texas-Austin, Robin Doughty, and two of Rob's friends. We left the blow-up doll behind, although we spent some time speculating on its origin. We thought perhaps someone had celebrated the Valentine's Day decision by Texas to overturn an old law by bringing it along to the meeting. We engaged in a little "birder blogger smack-down", gossiping about the other bloggers we knew, then the conversation then took a scatalogical turn (related to birds and work...sort of) and never really recovered. We had a great time.

Rob is off to Austin, and Kingfisher and I are going to spend a couple days birding here, as the Rio Grande Valley is one of our favorite spots. More later.

weather is great, wish you were here

Did you really think (did I really think?) I would post every day on vacation?  The days got too long and the photos and experiences too many. We are back in Panama City after a great time in the western highlands, and I will post more about that later. We have one more day here before our return home.

Meanwhile, I'd like to announce that The Open Laboratory 2007 has now been published. This is the second annual anthology of the best science blogging of the year. I'm pleased to say that out of over 450 submissions one of my posts, "Shrew Party," was included in this edition. I also had a post (The Little Farter") in the inaugural publication last year. Now the pressure is on to produce at least one decent natural history post a year.

You can read more about The Open Lab over at A Blog Around the Clock. It was Bora's brainchild, and this year's edition was speedily edited by Reed Cartright. Many kudos to them and all my fellow authors.

the year in birds: 2007

I did this for 2005 and 2006, and it's easier than making New Year's resolutions.

• Number of species seen: I generally only keep local year lists, and in 2007 only kept up with a year list for my home city. I had 156 species, which is 8 better than the year I tried to do a city "big year."
• New life birds: 3, all close to home. Purple Sandpiper, Black-backed Woodpecker, and Hoary Redpoll.
• Total life birds: 911
• Total ABA-area birds: 571
• Total state birds: 308
• Total birds in my home county: 251
• Total birds in my home city: 213 (I added five species this year)
• Total birds at my place of work: 186 (three new ones)
•  Yard birds: 134. Two came just recently. Number 133 was a Northern Saw-whet Owl and 134 was a Northern Shrike.

I anticipate that my next life bird will be found in four days, at the Metropolitan Nature Park in Panama City, Panama. We leave on Saturday, and I can sure use the getaway even though I am a bit anxious that this isn't such a good time to go. Last time I was there, I summarized the best birds of each day, and perhaps I'll do the same this time. The new birds I'm most looking forward to seeing will be in the highlands portion of our trip. They include Long-tailed Silky-Flycatcher, Resplendent Quetzal (right, by Len Blumin), Red-headed Barbet, Slate-throated Redstart, and Collared Redstart.

As always, I wish you new birds -- or other fabulous new experiences -- in the New Year!

hanging in there

An update. My friend is still in the hospital and not in good shape. My family situation is evolving; part of the legal situation seems to be in place, but there are serious logistical and emotional battles to fight. My eyes continue to improve daily. I'm especially amazed at the progress of my left eye. Most of the time I don't notice there's much of a difference between the two.

I've completed two of the three annual Christmas Bird Counts I participate in annually. We had some very nice birds on one: Common Yellowthroat, Northern Saw-whet Owl, Eastern Towhee, and multiple Fox Sparrows, Pine Siskins, and Common Redpolls. The other took place on days with 50 MPH winds, and was miserable. Yesterday on a bird survey for work, my husband and I found a Hoary Redpoll. I'm having a great "city" year, and will end up with at least 8 more species in my home city than I've had even in years when I've tried to do a "big year." I like the birds I find close to home best of all. Today it was a flock of Snow Buntings, which I just don't see locally very often.

If you are wondering, the photo is of a true bug, Leptopterna dolabrata, which I took this past summer.

i nearly lost someone today

A very dear friend and neighbor of mine tried to kill himself today. Had I not been at work when his mother called, frantic, knowing I have a key to his house, I would have been the one to find him. Not getting me, she called the police and they had taken him to the hospital before I got home. When I got her message after work, I was unable to reach her, so I went to his house.

He has made suicide attempts before, and I cannot describe how I felt going through his house, wondering at the threshold of every room, each closet, whether I would find him or not. It was horrifying. I found his glasses on his bedroom floor. I didn't know if had a spare. He's a slob, but nobody leaves glasses on the floor. That's when I knew. And I still had most of the house to check. I love him, or I would never, never have had the guts to do it.

I arrived at the hospital before his mother, who was a hour away in an assisted living facility and had to arrange a ride. I was allowed into his room, but he was (and still is) unconscious. I stood at the foot of his bed, waiting for his mother. I could not hold his hand and speak to him. My thoughts became gridlocked. I know my friend and his pain and issues well. I have also been through periods of deep depression and understand how that feels. I believe people have a right to end their own lives. I understand through experience and inference that suicide is the ultimate selfish act. Being caught up in this situation gave me another perspective on this selfishness.

Not only his selfishness -- and the circumstances he created which I'll leave unsaid made it very acute -- but my own. It took only an hour before I began wrestling with my anger at him (surely he knew there was a high probability it might be me that would find him), my feelings of betrayal, my hurt that he never reached out to me (then feeling guilty that I also was relieved that he didn't, so I didn't have to feel "responsible" for what happened), and finally feeling overwhelmed with how to deal with the aftermath. He's in serious condition in a critical care unit. We don't know yet how he will be physically, much less mentally.

I was both drained and keyed up when I got home to my empty house. My husband went to visit his family for the week -- I stayed home to catch up on a lot of work before we leave on vacation in 10 days. I don't really celebrate Christmas anyway, so this wasn't a big deal to me. But it was difficult not having him here. After I talked to him, I called my own family. Things have been very difficult with them for quite awhile, another reason I was home alone. But I had already decided I would call to wish them a merry Christmas. Unfortunately, despite telling them what had happened since they know my friend, I was hit with some very unpleasant and distressing shit. It's a situation I don't know exactly how to resolve, but it has the potential to do serious damage to my way of life, as well as our relationships. I recall some little ditty that likens a broken relationship being like fine china: when it's broken it can be mended, but the crack is always there. We're at that point already. I can almost see the china plate wobbling at the edge of a tall object, poised to fall and shatter.

Well, I haven't written too many self-indulgent posts like this, but I needed to unload. I hope everyone reading this had a much better Christmas than I did.

yet another new yard bird!

Hot on the heels of #133, a Northern Saw-whet Owl, was this defiant-looking Northern Shrike (Great Gray Shrike to you folks across the pond), a most-unlikely bird in our residential yard. We were banding a few of the Common Redpolls that showed up before our big snow storm, and the shrike crashed into one of the nets a couple of feet away from my husband. It drew blood with that sharp little toothed bill three times on my husband, and once on me. That's only the second time in over 15 years and tens of thousands of birds that I've ever been punctured by any bird.

Here's one of the prettier adult male redpolls we banded.

a new yard bird and owl etiquette

Our newest yard bird (#133) was a very sleepy Northern Saw-whet Owl, roosting in one of our cedar trees, right outside our kitchen window. Although it wasn't deeply concealed, we never would have noticed it if my husband hadn't seen the big blop of whitewash under the tree. He looked up, and there it was. Not a great photo below, because the bird has its head turned and eyes closed.

A few years ago, we found a pellet under one of our other cedar trees that looked like it belonged to a saw-whet, so we've always half expected to find one here one day. This would be the obvious year. Following on the tail-feathers of this year's boreal finch invasion, it has now been predicted northern owls will also be making a strong showing; already many banding stations have caught record numbers of migrating saw-whets.

With the arrival of winter and what may be many owls far south of their normal range, perhaps it's time to review a little owl etiquette (applicable to all birds and other wildlife).

You might recall the Snowy Owl that showed up near here last winter. I ended up writing about how people cannot seem to use good judgement and behavior when it comes to owls. When I reminded people on the local bird list to be respectful of the owl, people commented on how healthy it seemed to be, and one photographer even commented that his observations led him to believe the owl was "in good health and exploring its surroundings or playing, if one likes."

In early spring when the snow melted, the owl was found dead right near the last location it was seen alive. The carcass was brought to me. I gave it a cursory exam, and could see that there was no subcutaneous fat. Even taking into consideration some dehydration from freezing, it was obvious the bird was extremely lean. I gave the owl to the state for a necropsy. As it turned out, the owl had died of malnutrition. There were some miscellaneous contusions (which may have occurred post mortem) and feather lice, but the cause of death of this healthy-appearing owl was malnourishment.

The winter energy budgets of birds must be managed very carefully. Every time an owl is flushed, or even if it needs to remain awake and vigilant due to activity around it, precious energy may be wasted. This Snowy Owl was an example of a bird that dozens of people perceived to be healthy and "happy," even as it was slowly starving to death.
 

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happy update

I didn't have to have surgery again on my right eye, and my overall discomfort has also substantially diminished.

I caught this Mourning Dove celebrating using the Wingscapes BirdCam.

i've said goodbye to glasses

And my contact lenses, after a lifetime. On Monday, I had eye surgery. Unfortunately, things are not going quite as smoothly as I had hoped. I'm sort of stalled when it comes to keeping up with my writing. But my very wonderful husband has been helping me with my reading, emailing, etc., so I can offer this update.

I had LASIK done on my right eye. Because I had my surgery done by a major teaching hospital, I had several evaluations typically not done at most eye clinics, including one that assesses irregularities on the back side of the cornea, done three times over the last 8 months. The results convinced my surgical team to do LASEK on the left eye. The major difference is that in LASIK, a corneal flap is cut with a blade or laser, underneath which the laser reshaping is performed. In LASEK, the flap is created by bathing the eye with a chemical that weakens the corneal tissue so that a flap, much closer to the surface of the eye, can be peeled back like wet tissue. The laser treatment takes place, the tissue is teased back in place, and a contact lens is put on the eye for a week or more while the cornea heals.

LASEK has a longer healing time because of the work on the surface of the eye. It's moderately painful (mostly burning) and quite cloudy. It can take up to 3 months until I get to 20/20 vision in my left eye.The precision and depth of the flap in LASIK means a quick recovery time. My vision is (technically, with high contrast, bright light, and concentration) 20/20 in my right eye already, but there is some infammation in my flap, and if it hasn't cleared up by tomorrow, I have to have surgery again tomorrow afternoon.

Meanwhile, I've had to use thick, white drops in my right eye every hour. The stuff is like correction fluid, so whatever vision I have is clouded over. I can see better in the distance, but anything up to three feet in front of me is a real mess. Reading print material is almost a lost cause, even with reading glasses; the computer is possible for short periods if I crank up the font size, but it's a strain. I'm grateful to the Kingfisher for being my eyes, although not being able to read myself is sure frustrating.

Despite all this, I can see the amazing potential of this surgery. When I wake up, I'm momentarily startled at being able to see anything at all. When I go to bed, I keep thinking I have to take my contacts out. I'm really looking forward to spring migration with my "new" eyes. Right now, I'm just crossing my fingers that I don't have to have surgery again tomorrow.

I'm mostly just laying on the couch contemplating life. My girls are on my lap keeping me company:

And that's good medicine.